Where Compassion Begins
Learning to love ourselves
I was recently reminded of a story shared by Venerable Robina Courtin about the early days of the Dalai Lama teaching Western students. Again and again, students would ask questions about a challenge many of us are familiar with: how to love ourselves. When the Dalai Lama heard this he was genuinely shocked. This was not something commonly experienced in Tibet — the idea of not loving oneself was entirely foreign to him.
This story often brings me into reflection on the ways our culture subtly, and not so subtly, cultivates this inner lack — and how that pain radiates outward into our lives and relationships. We can see examples daily of how we berate ourselves into better health, replay mistakes over and over in our minds, and feel deep doubt or self-consciousness about our abilities.
When we view ourselves as deficient or undeserving, it becomes natural to look outside ourselves for something to fix us. We spend endless effort trying to make life — and other people — be a certain way. We cling tightly to whatever makes us feel worthy or lovable, often relationships, and feel devastated when they change. At the same time, we develop strong resistance to what is.
Our society reinforces this pattern: more success, more striving, beauty standards to meet, and the promise that the next purchase will finally bring joy — if only for a moment.
Even with a healthy sense of self-love, our minds still fall into attachment and aversion. But when self-love is lacking, the suffering these patterns create becomes far more pronounced. We are no longer just working with our natural wish to feel good — we are also driven by a deeply ingrained habit of trying to fix ourselves.
Living from this place is not only painful; it is a form of suffering many of us share. It may express itself differently — as anger, sadness, or numbness. We may begin to feel hostility toward those who don’t align with our view of how the world should be, blaming them for our pain. Or we may turn that hostility toward those who reflect back the parts of ourselves we struggle to accept. Life becomes a constant battle, a relentless striving.
In my own journey, this is where true healing began: with compassion toward myself.
Compassion for others has always come naturally to me, and I am grateful for that. But my disconnection from joy often stemmed from a lack of compassion inward. Striving for relationships that proved I was worthy of love. Replaying every person who seemed to confirm how difficult I was to love. Devoting enormous energy to success as a way to validate my worth.
Practices that cultivate softness and kindness toward my own heart are what gave me the strength and courage to begin living a life infused with genuine joy. During my breast cancer journey, compassion guided my decisions and clarified my path forward out of love, not fear. It helped me learn to nurture my body rather than resent it.
Even now, when I look at the scars from my surgery I will always carry and an old story arises — questioning whether this scared body could ever be loved by someone else — compassion reminds me that I am already whole. A few scars do not diminish my worthiness of love.
The practices of compassion are profound in how they transform our relationship with ourselves and with others. If you are new to this work, a simple lovingkindness (METTA) practice can gently begin to open the door to self-love.
Take a few moments to settle. Picture yourself in your mind. Then silently repeat words of kindness, such as:
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be safe.
May I be at peace.
This practice is simple, yet powerful. It begins to acknowledge that these wishes are not only possible — they are who we truly are.
I would love to hear from you if you try this practice. What did you experience? What happens when you imagine offering yourself the same compassion you give so freely to others?
Until then — may you be filled with self-love, and may you discover the joy that has been waiting for you all along.
Looking for support on your journey? I have opened up two new offerings for you: Single Mama’s Time with Tea and an Introduction to Mindfulness Course. Both are no cost and developed to support your ongoing mindfulness journey.